The nature of professions has diversified in the last few years at a phenomenal rate. You name a sector and you can find it - software, energy, fashion, cuisine, networking, diverse consulting and terrorism. The last named has obviously recorded a higher rate of growth than the others - the demand and supply mechanisms chugging along at a frenetic pace, each one keeping up with the other.
Career opportunities have risen sharply since terrorism as a profession has made some stupendous strides in the last few years. Earlier you could be a terrorist by just signing up with one of those lunatic organizations and agreeing to blow up some obscure building in Beirut. However, most of the times you ended up neither blowing the building nor yourself, but ended up having your picture on the front pages of newspapers - peering out from the pages like a lousy idiot who had bungled! Things became more specialized since the 1990s as the profession began to become more corporatised and better funded. A terror grad could now travel to better places worldwide and get televised coverage flying over Wall Street.
Endowment guarantees from that other Buffet: Bin Laid-on, the Oracle of Osama from the Bin Laid-on Terror Monger Associates brought in the money that could hire eminent Pyongyang trained professors like AQ (AQ for Albert Qaida) Khan who were otherwise consigned to becoming dangerous ‘nuclear wastes’. You could specialize in fudging facts, snuffing lives, distorting facts as well as lives. As the money came in, career placements became more assured and internships at crucial ‘hedge’ funds like the Lash-e-Toybar and with relocation industry experts like the Deadwood Ibrahim’s D (D for Democratic) Company Associates helped serious aspirants. Afghanistan soon replaced US as a popular student destination where bren drain (from the word bren gun) helped research on how to create market explosions, how to make skyscrapers out of oil prices and make rubble pieces out of existing skyscrapers.
When my friend along with a career counseling team visited the other IIT - International Institute of Terrorism in West Pakistan (run by the Taliban, ISI fogies and out-of office generals), they were astonished to see that there were indeed innovative education themes to ‘inculcate’ a real learning experience. They met with the Dean of the International Institute of Terrorism (IIT). The Dean was a well-traveled professional who specialized in altering flight paths of airplanes, even while traveling as a passenger! He suggested they take a look at the mathematics and international relations exams for the school that was taking place the same day.
As they walked into the class where the exam was being held, they found in bold lettering on the blackboard some very important rules of the exam.
It read...
i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.
ii) Any student coming in late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be shot on the leg (wounds will be tended to, after the exam is over).
iii) AK-47s and Automatic Grenade Launchers are not allowed in the exam hall and its considered bad manners to ask permission for the same.
I am told it was not all harsh though. There were some concessions too. The exam proctor announced to loud cheers that students could keep their personal items like daggers, grenades, revolvers and the bombs they were carrying, as long as they postponed their use till the exams got over!
There were about fifty students taking the exam. You could tell they were amongst the brightest - you could feel the warmth of a dazzle that had the promise to set alight a house even without a matchstick!
My friend was given a copy of the question paper as the bright young fellows set about their task. As he rummaged through the questions, there were a few facts that caught the eye.
The Dean came forward and gave some solid figures about the stats they were targeting. "We have tied up with a company named Albert Qeda Kidnapping & Endgame Bajao Private Limited. They have a good record of threatening 100000 people per month over Telephone. 10% of the people they threaten are cinema stars in Mumbai (this also includes stars that have retired after 1 film and are earning their pension in Malad), 30% are Israeli businessman settled across the world (of which 29.6% worked for Mossad at some time in their lives), 20% are American tourists (in which 1.9% voted for the winning candidate in the last elections), 0.3% are Danes (which constitutes the total population in that country, including cartoonists and expat Danes), 5% are Brits (4% of which are celebrities who are protesting against landmines), 15% are in the Pakistani government (4% of which have been photographed with the current President), the rest include ex-communists, Hollywood guys, Chennai shopkeepers, judges and innocents."
There were those ones that tested your knowledge of international relations. This one, for instance. Question: If Israeli installations are attacked, there’s a 5% chance of success. On top of it, there’s a 100% chance of Israeli retaliation on our bases. If US installations are attacked, there’s a 100% chance of success but then there’s a 100% chance of our base being accidentally retaliated upon. What were the figures for India? This question had the maximum marks. The examiner told the answer to my friend. If Indian installations are attacked, there’s a 60% chance of success, 40% chance of getting caught, 0% chance of our base being attacked but 100% chances of Indians arguing amongst themselves and writing books about what caused such a terrorist attack in the first place. And of course, 100% increase in prison maintenance costs for India if these terror professionals were ever caught, smiled the Dean.
(As imagined by the author)
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